As your kid moves into Middle School, they will be taking on more skills and more independence. If they're entering middle school for the first time, they will find themselves the the youngest kids in their school instead of being the oldest kids in the previous school. This can be intimidating and challenging as the social situations and topics of discussion will be of a more mature nature.
There are several website with information you can use to help your kid get ready for middle school. One of the things I see mentioned regularly is how important it is to talk to your kid about expectations, fears, responsibilities and inspiration. Kids starting middle school have a different communication style than younger kids. Don't expect to have the same chatty, kid full of whimsy. When kids enter middle school, they begin to be more self aware and more self conscious. They are likely to have mood swings you haven't seen before, be focused more on their peer group, and have more secrets. This is entirely normal.
As a parent of a middle schooler, your job is changing. Instead of being a constant guide telling your kid what to do and how, be prepared to set up the ground rules, identify your family values, and give your kid room to make decisions on their own within these guidelines. It can be terrifying to release control and no longer expect your kid to follow the rules exactly, but the decision making process now will continue on into adulthood. What your kid learns now will establish the confidence they have for decision making in the future. Failing at making good decisions is a part of the process. Pushing the boundaries and challenging authority is part of this process. Prepare yourself. Decide what is most important to you and your family and share this with all members of your family, not just those who live with you.
When you share these things with your kids, be prepared to explain why you've decided these things are important. Do not be afraid to tell your kids you do not know the perfect answer or you're worried about the outcomes of some decisions. It's at this age where I've hear a lot of kids say "My parents will kill me!" or "My parents can't handle that." They're kind of right, aren't they? I encourage you to tell your kid that you want to help them handle the tough stuff.
I encourage you to set up a support system with your kid for your kid. Members of the support system. A support system is more than the people in your kid's everyday life. These are people to call on for special situations , emergencies and when things are too overwhelming to handle yourself. As your kid grows through middle school, they are going to have input
In Build a Support System to Give Your Children What They Need they write:
Life happens fast, and with young children, it’s common to have a busy schedule. It is often difficult to find time for oneself. Building a good support system this year can help you manage your life, care for yourself, and give your children what they need.
A support system includes extended family, friends, your child care provider, and fellow parents. They should be people who truly care about you, your family, who want to see your family succeed, and have the capacity to provide the help you need in a time of emergency or crisis. These aren’t people who are there for your everyday needs – these are people who are willing to come to your rescue when you need them.
People who you see every day, like coworkers and neighbors, are also great people to add to your support system. They can provide safe places for your children, offer advice and guidance in your parenting journey, or invite you to community events that maybe you wouldn’t have been aware of before. This is a great way to build a support system without adding anything extra to your plate or schedule.
Your children likely spend a good deal of time in child care or at school. If this is the case, don’t forget to look at these groups of people as part of your support system; they already are! They are your partners in educating and raising your children and have the best in mind for your children. Ask questions whenever you can and ask for advice on behavior, communication style, and anything that you can be working on at home. If your schedule allows, get involved in the activities provided and maintain good relationships with the people who work there, including teachers, providers, and other parents.
A support system can be used for:
- Emotional support
- Emergency babysitting
- Parenting advice
- Transportation
As you and your kid identify a support system, there are some skills you'll both need to be successful. In the article 4 Ways to Help Your Child Build a Support Network they write:
1. Model how to ask for—and offer—help.
It’s important for your child to know that everyone needs help sometimes, not just her, and that it’s OK to ask for it. You can model this at home by asking her for help when you need it and showing your appreciation. She might pitch in putting groceries away, or help get a younger sibling ready for bed while you clean up the kitchen.
Your child can also benefit from seeing you supporting others. If you’re bringing food to the neighbor who just had a baby, ask your child to help you prepare it and drop it off. That way she can also see how other people accept help.
2. Start backing away from helping your child.
As kids get older they constantly face new challenges. Of course you want to help. But it’s important for your child to start handling some of her problems without you. That includes finding others who can offer support and advice.
Maybe your child suddenly has trouble making friends when she didn’t before. Or has a teacher she doesn’t seem to connect with. Instead of jumping in to fix it, ask who she thinks might be able to help. Is there someone she can talk to at school? You can also suggest people. “I remember that your cousin Jenny had some friend-problems when she was your age. She might have some terrific advice.” Or, “I bet your guidance counselor can help you find ways to talk to your science teacher.”
3. Widen the circle.
The more your child does outside your home, the more opportunities she’ll have to meet people who may be good sources of support. Try to get her involved in activities in your community.
Maybe she could join a youth group at church or temple. Or become a mother’s helper on weekends. There may be community volunteer projects you could join as a family. It’s important for your child to know that you’re not the only who wants her to succeed, or who values her contribution.
4. Nurture your child’s interests.
Does your child have a passion for something? Putting her in contact with people who share her interests can be a great way for her to meet peers, older kids and adults who can support her.
Your grade-schooler who loves animals might pet sit when neighbors go out of town. Your middle-school softball player might attend a clinic the high school coach runs for younger kids. And if your teenager is interested in a career in a health-related field, she might volunteer at the community hospital or nursing home.
A good way for your child to start building a support network is by thinking about the people she already goes to for help and what kind of support she’d still like to have. Talk to her frankly about her learning differences she can better understand her strengths and weaknesses. Being self-aware can allow her see where she needs help.
Building a support network doesn’t only provide a wider circle of people your child can turn to. It also helps build her self-esteem and sense of independence.
Talk about upcoming changes.
A new school year means new things for everyone. How does your work schedule work with the new school year? What are the options for school lunch or after school activities? What friends or familiar teachers will your kid see this year?
Review the class schedule together.
Will your child be allowed to pick some of their classes? Will your kid have some classes that are in multi-hour block? Will their class schedule change depending on the day of the week? Will their class schedule change from one semester to another this year?
Tour the building if possible. Learn the immediate neighborhood around the school.
Many schools have orientation or back-to-school open houses where families can visit the school and get familiar with important places like classrooms, cafeteria, library, school nurse, and the location where they will be dropped off and picked up from school.
Each year, explore the neighborhood immediately surrounding the school. This helps you and your kid. Get familiar with the streets around the school to help you if you get lost. Learn what stores, restaurants and community resources are near the school so you can use them if the school is not near your home.
Start a daily routine that will work on school days.
Starting a new school year is always challenging, but especially at this age. Kids are approaching another growth support and new hormonal changes that will affect the way they manage everyday life. Start a daily routine as soon as you can. Set a time for waking up, responsibilities for eating before school, and a deadline each day where everyone must leave the house to get to school on time.
This is another opportunity to talk about emergency backup plans. How will your kid get to school? What should they do if your child misses the bus or carpool? What will happen if your child is sick and cannot go to school, there is a school holiday and no classes, or the school is closed for an emergency? Who will take care of the sick child and where? What will they do on days when there is no school? Will a parent or trusted family friend be available to contact in an emergency? Who will contact that person?
Offer reassurance.
Remind your kid that if things don't go perfectly, that things are still OK. Your kid will try all kinds of new things this school year and not everything is going to work out for them. Help your kid have confidence in you as the leader of the family - let them know that if things don't work out the way you planned that you will help them find a solution. Again, you don't have to know all of the answers as a parent, and it's OK to tell your kid that, but despite how much your child now ignores you, shows disrespect, or agitates for independence, you are still responsible for their overall well being and they really, really need you in that job. They need some place steady to return to as a safe place while they are experiencing all of these changes and new experiences.
Make a plan for failure.
It is OK if your kid makes mistakes. It is OK if you make mistakes. It is important that after a mistake, a real effort is made for each person to feel respected and safe and a plan is put into place to fix the situation. Some of the resources that can help are easily available, some will have to be researched by getting advice from others, asking the school for help, or involving your support system.
This combines some things I've already mentioned. What happens when transportation falls through? What help can you get if your kid struggles academically? What will happen if your kid doesn't have lunch? Who will be called when your child gets sick? What happens if the main source of transportation gets disrupted? Who should be called when there is an emergency for your kid?
Problem solving skills, self-care, and managing emotions is very important here. Help your kid learn the skills they need to handle tough times. Help your kid understand how to recognize they are getting overwhelmed in a situation so they can change or leave the situation. What does being overwhelmed feel like? What are the symptoms? When your kid feels overwhelmed, what are their options? Can they take a break? Is there someone they can talk to? Would writing in a diary help? Is there some kind of physical release that will help them deal with stress - going for a walk, playing a sport, dancing, tearing paper for that satisfying feel and sound? One of the most difficult things to manage at this age is emotions. Peer pressure and bullying can put your kid in an emotional state that could make the situation worse.
Help your kid understand what they can do when they feel bad in an unexpected situation, how to handle themselves, and how to express and process the strong emotions they have form this situation. What are acceptable expressions of fear, anger, sadness, excitement and affection?
Your kid is in a more complex social situation than they've been in the past, they are going to notice things about themselves and others that never registered with them before. They will feel insulted, offended and critical about new things, in fact, kids this age can be very judgmental. It can be challenging because they will be evaluating you too.
Reinforce with them what your values are and how you make the decisions you make to demonstrate how you process things. Encourage your kid to make decisions but emphasize how their decisions play out in consequences. For example, your kid wants you to buy them something that is expensive, explain how much it costs, how much of the budget it will affect, what the rules will be about how they can use the new thing. Explain what other expense there will be because of owning this new item. Explain what future purchases will be sacrificed by buying this one item.
If your kid wants to begin or end an activity, how much will it affect their free time? What are the expectations of this change - what will they be responsible for? Is this change a long term commitment? What are the options if this change doesn't work out? At what point can you determine if this is a good choice or not, considering that failure is part of the learning process? How much does it cost? How will this change affect the rest of the family?
There is a lot to consider. It's a tough job guiding your kid through this process, but what they learn at this time in life will affect how they adapt to life in the future. Do your best. Accept your own failures and learn from them. You can't control everything, so decide in advance what is important and make a plan. Be flexible. Be kind to yourself and your kid.
All of these things will come up over and over for years to come. You'll get lots of practice. Ask for help when you need it.
